Tuesday, November 12, 2013

It's Been Awhile

It's been quite awhile since I thought about this blog. 

Last week I passed one year since I lost my job.  I lost my job in a traumatic way and it haunted me for a long time.  I'm one of those people who doesn't get over things easily, and difficult events keep coming up in my memory and my dreams for weeks, months, years even.  So, much of this past year was dealing emotionally with something I could not change yet could not stop rehashing.  Kind of self-torture, really, in spite of wanting desperately to let it go.  Finally, I am able to go many days without thinking of it.  Quite a relief.  I have moved on.

I like writing, so I thought blogging would come very naturally to me.  I've kept a personal journal since I was 13, though in recent years I haven't written in it very often.  I thought a blog would be an online journal, a continuation of what I have always done.  But it turned out differently. 

For one thing, I'm a pretty private person.  I don't share my thoughts and feelings with just anyone.  I'm quiet and introspective.  An introvert.  I found I wasn't comfortable with putting my inner self online for any visitor to see. 

And the purpose of this blog was meant to be part of my new art business, to reach out to people who would be interested in following an artist developing a career.  So there was always pressure to make every post interesting enough to be worth reading, and following.  I found that pressure a bit paralyzing.  I had trouble finding the confidence that anyone would want to read about my efforts to make my dreams a reality.  Finding interesting things to say is more intimidating than it should be.

Time is another big factor.  I just don't have much time to spare.  Blog posts need photos, text, good layout, etc.  I'm very busy all the time.  I have responsibility for all of the household chores, cooking, shopping, errands, finances, four pets, and whatever else comes up.  Things come up all the time.  I also have my artwork to keep working on whenever I can.  And I usually have a side project, like a new dance dress for my daughter.  I'm currently embroidering beads onto a new Latin dress, spending a few hours every evening for weeks now.  I love doing it in spite of the time it takes.

So blogging was not easy for me, and I don't know if it ever will be something I can do frequently.  Maybe the day will come when I know what I want from this experience. 

My art business has grown, but it has not been a very successful year for me as far as sales.  I'm still looking for what works for me as an artist and provides a decent income.  The last year has been a time of exploration and effort.  Some wonderful moments and some disappointments.  I'm beginning to believe that I must focus on my strengths and on what inspires me creatively.  I think I've been too scattered, too focused on finding the key to success that others have found.

So I'm just checking in here today, and perhaps I'll write again on and off.  Not as an effort to sell something.  Only because I like to write and have something I want to say.